A Look at a Hypothetical Trump Presidency

Let’s look in our crystal ball and see what kind of President Donald Trump would be.

The last few weeks have been rough for The Donald. Sure, he very specifically called a whole nation a bunch of criminals and rapists and then lost several lucrative business deals, but what common American man hasn’t had those troubles? He’s just a regular guy, telling it like is.

Plus, he’s a successful businessman! Who better to get our economy back on track than that? After all, it was Mitt Romney’s savvy business acumen that got him elected in 2012. Sure, unemployment is the lowest its been in seven years but don’t pay attention to the facts and numbers behind the curtain.

I mean, sure Trump’s companies have filed for bankruptcy FOUR separate times. But he came through it, didn’t he? He only lost other people’s money, not his own. Now that’s talent. He’s truly a paragon with lessons we can all learn from.

For example, fucking over your employees. It’s a pretty great way to stay wealthy and Trump has that shit down. According to a Bloomberg Business article published today, not a single employee gets 401(k) contributions their first year working for Trump. You’re hired in September and fired next August? Guess what? You’re shit out of luck for your retirement money.

And even if you somehow stay on for more than a year, there’s no guarantee Trump won’t simply suspend employer contributions to the retirement fund, like he did from March 1, 2009 to June 30, 2012. A guy supposedly worth $8.9 billion (spoiler alert: he’s lying) can’t fork over a penny. The rich don’t stay rich by being good employers. They do it by exploiting people.

But those are compliments! These qualities are what makes him such a great candidate. So why are people whining? A Trump presidency would be great! Let’s take a look at how it might go.

November 8, 2016 – Donald Trump wins in a landslide over Democratic nominee Lincoln Chafee. Chafee meekly thanks the Donald for gracing him with his presence during the campaign season and admits his campaign slogan “We Should All Go Over to Metric, Guys . . . Guys?” was a bit of a miss. The Donald meanwhile, has Chafee burned at the stake.

January 20, 2017 – Trump takes office and immediately renames the White House the Trump House. He does the same with Air Force One, now called Trump Force One, and even the Washington Monument, which is now flat-out called Trump’s Penis.

January 21, 2017 – President Trump begins the weekly tradition of responding to every Twitter complaint leveled at him live and on-air. He also takes to insulting world leaders on social media, leading to the hashtag #YouveBeenTrumped trending worldwide.

March 19, 2017 – President Trump says he will be build a “great wall” around women’s vaginas to prevent babies from entering the country illegally. “They’re bringing crime, they’re rapists and some, I assume, are good bed-wetters,” Trump is quoted as saying. Afterward, Mexico is sent the bill.

June 2, 2017 – President Trump ends mass incarceration in America by taking all of our prisoners and putting them on a bus for Canada. Almost immediately, Canada rehabilitates them into polite, productive members of society.

December 25, 2017 – The Second Coming occurs. President Trump immediately demands Jesus’ birth certificate

February 8, 2018 – President Trump announces he will pay for the $11 trillion dollar budget shortfall caused by his disastrous economic policies by turning American cemeteries into golf courses, starting with Arlington Cemetery. “Who cares about the Unknown Soldier? We don’t even know his name!”

April 1, 2018 – To inflate his sagging poll numbers, President Trump rains down $1 bills during a parade in his honor. This would have worked had he not used Monopoly money.

June 7, 2018 – President Trump, the great judge of character that he is, meets with Vladimir Putin and calls him a “kind and generous man with a brilliant sense of humor who wants nothing more than peace.”

September 4, 2018 – President Trump announces a reconciliation with NBC to revive Celebrity Apprentice with Donald training the future President of the United States. The contestants include Dennis Rodman, William Baldwin, Randy Quaid, and the recent-recipient of a presidential pardon, Charles Manson.

January 9, 2019 – To raise money to buy expensive lethal injection drugs, President Trump announces he will partner with FOX News to broadcast executions live on primetime TV. When asked if this was perhaps immoral or in poor taste, Trump shouts “Somebody’s doing the raping!”

July 4, 2019 – To celebrate our country’s independence, President Trump announces a unilateral nuclear strike on Mexico, wiping it off the face of the planet. Afterward, he is quoted as saying “The Latinos love Trump and I love them!”

October 9, 2019 – A Humans of New York photograph posted on social media shows a young boy afraid that being gay will prevent him from having friends. President Trump warmly replies in a comment, “Man up, you pussy.”

March 13, 2020 – Firmly believing nobody is qualified to succeed him and convinced by doomsayers that Skynet is coming online, Trump preemptively brands the coming apocalypse the “Trumpocalypse”

November 1, 2020 – Trump is getting trounced in the polls by Democratic presidential nominee Ben Affleck. To prevent the first Batman from taking the presidential office, Trump pulls a Gorbachev and dissolves the United States, sending out a one-sentence statement to the American people: “You’re fired!”

November 3, 2020 – After losing re-election, Trump gives his last gloriously rambling speech. He announces his last act as president: to deport all 350 million American people, calling us “criminals, rapists, and some, I assume, are good people.”